Saturday, February 09, 2008

 

Settling?

Instapundit points out a column by Lori Gottlieb on settling for a good enough man rather than continuing the eternal search for the man of your dreams. Interesting that women need to be told this, men do it all the time. Unfortunately, men too often find themselves being divorced because the woman wants to continue her search for Mister Right.

The column is insightful, frank and humorous. If I have a problem with any of it, it is this :
But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after.
For many societies, this is not the dream. A much more pragmatic view of marriage is taken. American women increasingly choose to live with fairy tale expectations of life. Prince Charming will come galloping into her life kisses her, she becomes fully aroused, and they live happily ever after. Or, at least until the glow wears off and she goes off seeking another Prince Charming.

Ladies, it’s not called “settling.” It’s called living in reality. I’ve yet to meet the woman who outwardly showed she thought she was a great catch who really was. The great catches are more humble. Once “caught” the great catches are appreciative of their husbands. Their husbands are usually equally appreciative. (Yes, there are guys with money, looks, great personalities, etc. that no woman should touch.)

If Lori Gottlieb and the others want to find a good mate and father-to-be, stop looking at it as “settling.” Look at it as entering into the realm of reality.

Comments:
I was reading that column and cringing a lot. Mainly because the thesis sets up two false choices: the mythic falling in love thing and the settling thing.

I reckon my definitions are just different. Here's how. I know too many people who screw up their relationships by 'settling' or 'looking for Mr/Ms Perfect.'

Matter of fact, and I can see this right now, this is going to turn into a whole post in and of itself. I'll save you the bloviation.

In short, you and Ms. Gottlieb are right in the 'pragmatic' view of marriage. Her quote about the small, mundane non-profit business is right on. But it also comes down to people knowing themselves and knowing the difference between 'settling' and 'reality,' just like you said.
 
It's good to hear from you. People just expect too much in too many ways. Perfect spouse, great car, big house, etc. Life can be just fine without the "perfection."
 
"The great catches are more humble."

Wouldn't you agree that both sexes are seriously lacking in humility these days? Narcissism is the order of the day. I blame the self-esteem movement in the public schools.
 
I find it condescending that the "dreams of our mothers and their mothers..." and supposedly mine too for being female, should be getting married. Fairy tales are for airheads. Maybe the problem is thinking finding some fictional character should be directing your life.
 
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