DADvocate

Wandering through blog land the other day, I stumbled across this article in Scientific American on raising smart kids. Someone had linked to the article in the comments of a blog that I failed to note and now can't find. Sorry, guys. Believe it or not, I can't really tell you how excited I was to find this article. It describes a part of parenting I consider essential.

Nearly twenty years ago, when my oldest son wan an infant, we received magazines on parenting in the mail. I can't remember which one(s) but what I can remember is the essence of an article I read in one of them - hard work is more important than being smart or talented. That is message in the SA article also as the subheading states: "More than three decades of research shows that a focus on effort—not on intelligence or ability—is key to success in school and in life." More:

• Many people assume that superior intelligence or ability is a key to success. But more than three decades of research shows that an overemphasis on intellect or talent—and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed—leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.
  
• Teaching people to have a “growth mind-set,” which encourages a focus on effort rather than on intelligence or talent, produces high achievers in school and in life.
  
• Parents and teachers can engender a growth mind-set in children by praising them for their effort or persistence (rather than for their intelligence), by telling success stories that emphasize hard work and love of learning, and by teaching them about the brain as a learning machine.

This made complete and perfect to me and I've tried to incorporate it in my parenting. One piece of advice I don't follow is "not telling my kids they're smart." I tell them they are smart but I also tell them that without hard work being smart means nothing. An example I use is this: Your IQ may be in the top 1-2% of the population. This means that in a county of 20,000 people like the one we live in, there are 200-400 people as smart or smarter than you. If you really want to reach your potential, to achieve and become what you want to be, you have to work hard.

I try to use handy examples when possible. Fortunately, good examples are easy to find. Some of our family members have achieved pretty well, all did it by hard work as well as intelligence. My ex's father became a millionaire farmer by working smart and very hard. Most wouldn't want to follow his footsteps but he showed it could be done.

The same principle applies to achievement in sports. My children enjoy sports. I remind them that they have more natural talent than most but that's not enough. If you really want to be good, you must work hard. A fond local example is University of Tennessee basketball player and All-American candidate, Chris Lofton. Although listed taller, Chris is truly only about 6'1" tall. But he can shoot you eyes out on the basketball court. Everyone around here knows Chris spent hours practicing his shooting. Eventually, he became the best high school player in Kentucky.

My children perform at what I consider to be a very high level academically and athletically. As performance is an ongoing process, I focus on continuing development and improvement with a focus on the future. But, I also celebrate their accomplishments. We sometimes go out to eat as a small celebration. I never berate them for a sub-par performance. We all have bad days. You simply get up and try again (harder). Find joy in the struggle.

Enjoying the struggle is one of the best parts of the puzzle. My 14 year old son played well enough on his freshman football team to be promoted to varsity when the freshman season ended. One of the results was him lining up against two seniors lineman whom the head coach described as the best pair to play side by side that he's ever had. Instead of dreading the match up, my son said he considers it an honor to be pancaked by these two guys. Spoken like a true football player.

Enough of that.

The current fad is to focus on the ephemeral quality of self esteem. That and $1 will get you a double cheeseburger. Hard work will bring real accomplishment and an excellent meal at any restaurant in town.

BTW - look at the self esteem link (same as above) and tell me why women need so much reinforcement to build self esteem. Can you find a similar site in the Internet for the self esteem of boys or men? It must be hell being a fragile female who needs her self esteem constantly built up lest you fall apart.