DADvocate

UPDATE I decided to add the update to the top to try to receive more input. This update is simply my reply to the teacher's reply.

Thank you for replying. I'm not sure how else I could have "reacted" to the situation that would have been significantly different. I do believe I was trying to look at the entire picture. If Alex were to report others for misbehavior he would undoubtedly catch a lot of flack from his peers and, perhaps, be ostracized. It's not reasonable to expect students to report other students in most cases. Alex had told me that the sub stated she
was reporting the whole class. I know the particular child I identified as obnoxious quite well and have been around him in many situations. I have never seen anything that would make me believe he would act significantly different in the classroom but I could be wrong.

An anecdote regarding an incident that happened when I was in the 8th grade. While the teacher was out of the room, many of us misbehaved quite badly. (I'll omit the details.) When the teacher returned he told us the entire class would be punished unless the kids who misbehaved identified themselves. Although 15 to 20 kids misbehaved, another guy and myself decided to say we did it. When we went to the principal, I believe he realized what really happened. He gave us a painless paddling and we became class heroes. I still respect that principal to this day and never got in trouble again that year.

In high school, I the principal falsely accused me of something and wouldn't believe me or my friend when we told him otherwise. I had liked him quite well before that, even gone flying in a private plane with him, after that I lost all respect for him. Things happen in the minds of children over incidents we barely notice sometimes.

I am Alex's father. It is my responsibility to ensure, as far as
possible, that he is treated properly. Schools want parental involvement. I check his homework nearly everyday. I do everything I can to support his extra-curricular activities. I believe Mason County is an excellent school system. I am happy he is able to attend it and I am happy for the discipline that is enforced there.

I have spoken with Alex regarding the situation and he does not know I contacted you. Alex's mother and I put a great emphasis in good behavior and eduction. Please let me know if you have any other concerns regarding Alex.

That principal in the 8th grade knew what was going on. He had two excellent students from upper middle class backgrounds, professional parents, the top two athletes in their class, excellent grades, polite and mannerly. He made it appear as if we got punished but essentially complimented us for our actions. We loved him for it ever after.

Oh, and the misbehavior? Throwing wadded paper into light fixtures which began smoking profusely and could have started a serious fire. Nowadays, we'd probably ended up in juvenile.

If you never have, you need to read Kentuckian Jesse Stuart's experiences as a teacher. We're talking fist fights with students in which Jesse KO'd one once.

All this reminds me of my homeroom teacher in the 9th and 10th grades at the old Young High School in South Knoxville, Floyd Bean. Mr. Bean was a throw back to I'm not sure when. He parted his hair in the middle when it was the least fashionable thing your could do. He was extremely polite and mannered. His dress was neat but nondescript. He enjoyed telling us stories during homeroom time.

One story involved an incident about 15 years earlier (early 50's). An angry student came to his classroom after school with the intention of beating up Mr. Bean. Unbeknown to the student, Mr. Bean had been prize fighter in his earlier days. Mr. Bean described the student's face as looking like a "bowl of grape jelly" when they were finished. We ALL respected Mr. Bean. He was a little on the old side but looked very fit and I was pretty sure he could take me any time he wanted.

Young High was a pretty rough school too. The starting center on the varsity basketball team my sophomore year eventually want to prison for killing a guy in a bar fight. There were some other very tough teachers and I got to see them in action once. Yes, we respected them very much. I'll tell you about it soon.
End of update

Perhaps the title should read "Does My Kids' Schools Really Want More Parental Involvement." It seems any time you get into a discussion of elementary or high school eduction, student academic performance and student behavior you hear about the importance of parental involvement. I don't dispute this for a second but I truly wonder how sincere schools are when they ask for greater parental involvement.

Whenever I've gone to the school with a complaint or criticism I always walk away dissatisfied. Today I wrote and email to my 13 year old son's algebra teacher concerning and incident in which he received "break detention" and a threat of suspension if it happened again. The incident was students being too rowdy when a substitute teacher had taken over for a day.

The incident was handled the next school day by the teacher immediately telling all girls to leave the classroom. You can imagine how this riled me up when first hearing it. Then the male students were pressured to admit or deny their involvement. My son and two others admitted to it. According to my son many others were involved but lied their way out of it. I believe him without a doubt. Also, I don't believe for a second that no girls were involved at all.

I'm proud of my son for owning up to his responsibility. He never complained about the detention. He only complained that the girls were given a free pass and that others were allowed to lie and get out of it.

Here is the email I sent in its entirety:

Dear Ms. Teacher,

Alex related to me the incident two Fridays ago in which his class basically acted up while a substitute teacher was filling in for you. He stated that on Monday all girls were told to leave the class and then people who claimed they did not participate in the misbehavior were also allowed to leave. Alex told me that quite a few students who did misbehave, claimed they didn't and left, leaving only himself and two other students.

I have no problem with Alex receiving break detention for his actions but do have other concerns. First, the bias in favor of girls disturbs me quite a bit. Fewer and fewer boys are completing high school, entering college, etc. Females out number males in law school, medical school and overall college numbers. I believe much of this problem is because school environments are much more conducive to the female personality and not the more active
males. Schools need to be seeking and implementing ways to more fully involve boys not singling them out as trouble makers. Additionally, only a videotape of the class would convince me that no girls misbehaved. I have three sisters and two daughters. I know better.

Secondly, Alex's mother and I work hard at teaching him to be honest. Obviously our efforts are not in vain. I know many of the other students. At least one of the students, that Alex says misbehaved but got off because he claimed he didn't, rates among one of the most obnoxious kids I've met as I found out when helping chaperone school activities. The manner in which
this problem was dealt with encourages students to lie which is
counter-productive to what his mother and I, and probably you, are
trying to teach Alex.

Lastly, the threat of suspension strikes me as heavy handed given the above circumstances, Alex's overall behavioral/academic record and that, unfortunately, substitute teachers have taken the brunt of student misbehavior for decades. I substituted at MCMS about 15 years ago myself. It ain't easy. Alex never complained about the detention but is concerned about the possible suspension in that it would be easy for someone else to act up and he end up being unfairly punished, especially considering how this incident was handled.

I am certain that these problems can be handled in a manner that is more amelioratory and more effective. While I am not genuinely concerned about Alex completing high school or college, many other boys are much less likely to do so than girls. Efforts should be made not to alienate boys from school. Spending 7 hours or more a day in a school dominated by female teachers may not be as easy as you think for boys. Plus, in this case, the three boys that had the honesty and courage to take responsibility for their misbehavior should probably be rewarded for not lying like many of their classmates.

Below are several links to articles and information concerning the
difficulties and obstacles boys are facing in schools today.

Here is her response.

To begin with, the sub stated some boys in the class were misbehaving and stated the area where they were seated. My students know that if they misbehave for a sub, there will be severe consequence for this. I
did tell the girls to leave, due to the fact that no female was
identified as a problem for that specific day. This was not due to them being female, but the sub's note. I asked the students to be honest and they were. There was no complaint given to me that anyone else was involved when I handed down punishment. If I had been informed I would have done more research into the incident. Alex should have told me if there was a problem instead of saying absolutely nothing to me. I am not sure what you have been told, but I do not show favoritism toward the girls, I am actually harder on the girls than the boys. I know and understand that boys tend to be more hyper than girls and that is why I allow some of the behavior that I do in my class. Ask, you should be given a truthful answer on that one too.

I am glad that you do not object to his detention. I have rules that I enforce no matter who a student may be. All my students are treated as equally as possible. I only used suspension as a step if the behavior happens repeatedly as it is not tolerated in any situation on this team. Ms. xxxxxxx also had to come to the class and reprimand them the day that I was out, so it was not just the sub talking about their behavior(Ms. xxxxxx is next door and the noise level interrupted her class).

As you state in your email some students are very obnoxious, but you have to remember that they act differently around various people. What you see may not be what I see out of a certain kid, that is what happens and how things get started with students in the first place. I appreciate your candor, but you also have to look at the whole picture and not just one side of it.

Alex is a great kid and I have no issues with him whatsoever that should cause any type of problem in the future. He is a very intelligent child and he knows what is right. I did tell my class today that they need to address me so that I can address an issue and not hear about it from others. I respect my students and will always listen to them and try to work with them in all aspects, if they give me the chance to do so.

I would really appreciate if you would have given me the chance to
explain before you reacted. I am also forwarding this to Mrs. zzzzzz so that she will know I took care of it.

I really hope that this helps to clear the problem up and that you do not think any less of me or this team. I think the world of Alex and would hope that he can get over this incident.

Is it just me or does it irritate you when a reply starts "To begin with,..." I always feel the intended completion is "you're an idiot."

Does this teacher really believe this: "I asked the students to be honest and they were."? When I was a student we lied like hell to get out of trouble.

And, what about this: "There was no complaint given to me that anyone else was involved when I handed down punishment. If I had been informed I would have done more research into the incident. Alex should have told me if there was a problem instead of saying absolutely nothing to me." Jees, one of the strongest taboos among teens is ratting on someone else. People have gotten punched for this.

"As you state in your email some students are very obnoxious." I didn't state "some" students are very obnoxious. I stated one student was very obnoxious. I've known this kid as long as he's lived in this town, he's spent the night at my house, etc., not a bad kid but very obnoxious.

"I would really appreciate if you would have given me the chance to
explain before you reacted." I realize I came down more strongly than most parents but what kind of chance was I supposed to give her? She never notified Alex's mom or I. In these circumstances I always copy the supervisor so that there is no misrepresentation of my words.

The few times I've complained over the last 12 years, I'm left feeling that the school staff either didn't listen, didn't care, or were only interested in defending their position. There appears to be no openness to actual input.

Once I complained about how a coach yelled, screamed and cursed. I was asked if it was just "loud coaching." At the end of the season I sat in a complaint meeting concerning the coach with about 8 other parents and the school superintendent. It's too late when the season is over. If this coach had treated girls in the same manner someone probably would have assaulted him.

I didn't tell my son I sent the email. But I think it's important that the school knows I'm looking out for him. He's a straight A student, etc, etc. But I know from experience that sometimes a single unfair, or overly harsh incident can send a child the wrong way.

I realize the problem of misbehavior and substitute teachers. Forty years ago, we giving them hell. If all these school people are so smart, how come they haven't found a way to prevent this during that 40 years?