Monday, January 16, 2006


To Date of Not To Date

A commenter at DrHelen called "friend of usa" left a comment with a link to this post at Intellectual The quote the commenter left caught my attention.
Feminist created “domestic violence” laws serve as another way to give women an upper hand over men while keeping them dependent on men and the government. Domestic violence laws are not necessary, since there are already well-established laws in place preventing assault and battery. But feminists wanted to give women an advantage in the home over their husbands and boyfriends by teaching them to involve the government in order to win verbal arguments. Domestic violence laws now include “glaring looks” and “financial violence,” whatever that means. Somewhere less than twenty percent of all domestic violence calls even involve an allegation of assault. Domestic violence laws give women an edge over men because men are five to nine times less likely to call the police over a dispute than women are. Police reports and restraining orders play a large role in deciding child custody issues, so the more a woman calls the police, the better chances she has at obtaining custody of any mutual children along with “free” child support...
Rachel Alexander, a former Assistant Attorney General for the State of Arizona, wrote the column. Earlier in the column she makes this statement:
To remain relevant in the U.S. and other democratic countries, feminists have championed odd issues, issues that are not about women’s equality, but are about getting one-up on men.

Emphasis added.
This sums up much of the reason I haven't actively sought a date or other romantic contact with a woman in four or five years.

Having been married twice I'm more than twice shy. It seems the defining quality of a woman that is wrong for me is that she is a woman I want. I'm considering having my sisters screen any women I might be interested as they can evaluate with objectivity. But the other reason for my reluctance is "What can a woman offer that will enhance my life more than harm it?"

This may sound somewhat selfish but I'm perfectly to give all that I can but it is fully reasonable to expect equal in return. As a middle age man, I have four children and want no more. I remember wanting to have children as far back as my middle grade school years. The nuns would talk to us about how great it would be to enter the priesthood. I would always think, maybe, but first I want to get married and have children. Then if my wife happens to die unexpectedly and my kids are grown.... (Morbid but I was a kid.)

But now I have enough kids and, despite the Strom Thurmonds of the world, consider myself too old to bring new children into the world. A woman could offer me companionship and partnership and this is what I would like.

But if the partnership goes bad, what happens? Who has the advantage in property settlements, etc.? I've already given up two houses. After my last divorce I successfully made a concerted effort to be fully independent financially and otherwise. I've worked too hard to risk what I've earned. I've always been a "serious" dater. I don't see much point in dating unless potential matrimony is in the stars. Since, I'm not too interested in matrimony, why date? Now I have all the time I want to watch my kids play sports (and sometimes play with them), take them camping, plus pursue a few of my own interests without demands from another adult.

I am not the only one to think this way. Stephen Baskerville touches on this in his article, Men Boycott Marriage. This post at Free Republic touches on the same subject. There is even a website called which focuses on keeping men from marrying.

For me, as long as the risks and potential losses are too great and the scales of justice tipped in favor of females, I will remain more than reluctant to enter into a close relationship with a woman.

UPDATE: BTW, According to my scores on the, Authentic Happiness Inventory I am quite happy.

4.08 on a scale of 1 to 5.

As high as or higher than:
95% of web users
93% of my gender (male)
94% of my age group
96% of my occupation group
92% of my education level
100% of my Zip Code

(I live in a low population Zip Code. Odds are strong I'm the only person in my Zip Code to have completed this inventory.)

I had much the same thoughts ... but from a female perspective - what could a man possibly offer me that would outweigh the risk of him causing me misery? I am perfectly happy and content leading my own life without having to put up with anyone else in it
I understand completely. At some point I would like to form another intimate relationship with a woman but I'm in no hurry and am not actively looking.
Wow, I could have written this myself but for one thing, I only have two kids. Other than that...
46 and single here, and enjoying it. I've come to the conclusion that as a rule, being in a relationship (whether it's marriage or just seeing someone) is more trouble than it's worth. I suppose I could be convinced otherwise if the right woman crossed my path, but that has yet to happen and I am convinced it's not going to. Of course, I'm not exactly trying very hard, but quite frankly, I don't see the point in making the effort if the chances of a positive and lasting payoff aren't all that good.

In the meantime, I do what I want, if I want, and when I want to, and nobody objects.
What Carnadero said. More trouble than it's worth. I'm 47 and quit dating about 10 years ago. It's just not worth it. I've got better things to do than jump through hoops and "prove" myself.
I'm a 43-year old woman in a deeply platonic relationship with a 39-year old man. We're not going to get married, we're not going to co-mingle finances, we're not going to set up house together. Despite the missing component, and it's a big one, it works for us. Hanging out with him, eating meat-lovers pizza, watching South Park re-runs, there's humour, honesty and camraderie. Don't write off women entirely!
Mike - thanks for the comment. I visit your blog daily and have enjoyed your "hiatus."

Anon 9:45 - I haven't given up on women. My biggest problem is 2 things. 1) I really don't trust my own judgement in selecting women. 2) I'm truly afraid of the consequences of getting married and then divorced again. Social attitudes and the legal system definitely leans in favor of the woman.

After all this discussion I feel like going out on a date just to see what it's like again. Last time I dated it was expensive. $100 a week in the average. May not sound like much but when you have 3 minor children, house payments, etc. it adds up quickly.
I see no benefit in dating whatsoever. I don't want to get married. That would be giving complete control of my life into a woman's hands. LOL Not going to happen. Not to mention that I have no interest in kids either. If I'm going to do something it has to be for a reason. To work towards a goal. Dating would end up nowhere each and every time so why bother? I haven't so far and probably never will and I'm 34.
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